There are three opposing forces I struggle each day to subdue: the devil, the world’s system and myself.
However, at the moment, the greatest pain is myself, and “self-centeredness” is the keen instrument of choice used by yours truly for my utmost affliction.
It is terrible. I am like single mindedly bent on destroying myself with my array of self-pleasing agendas. Not that I don’t know the Life to live, yet I seem more drawn to the death of me.
The truth is I don’t want to die spiritually, if you know what I mean. I know I am on the wrong path but I feel helpless to make a turnaround, and even more helpless when I know in my heart that my helplessness is just a state of mind made of a bunch of debilitating feelings I have let run wild in the garden of my soul.
But at the same time, the white wolf in me yearns for the inexhaustible Love of the Father. And therein lies my hope.
You see, impulsively I want to run far away from the Father because of my unworthiness.
My almost subconscious rationale is that I can’t be bad and at the same time make myself continue doing the good things I use to do.
For example, I thought I couldn’t anymore manage doing my morning devotions just because I feel I have to maintain my relationship with a Holy God. Surely, my filth couldn’t possible endure His Perfection.
Nonetheless, to the contrary, it kinda dawned on me that I’d be absolutely stupid to run away from the One who is more than eager to embrace me with all the grime, muck, and defilement of my soul. And in saving me I only need choose and accept His offer of a life of His grace and righteousness – instead of my own.
You know, it is easy to get caught up in man’s misrepresentation of God and not realize that He is unquantifiably fond of us and that the yoke He ask of us to carry is easy, and the burden light (see Mathew 11:30).
Am not perfect now in my ways and never will, but I am going back to a God who understands and is willing to see me through the PROCESS OF RECOVERY, in which I will still stumble and fall, but most crucial is that I rise and keep pressing forward and keep wanting to know Him more.
So if you are like me, you could throw away those rationalizations that say you ain’t redeemable just because you’ve gone too deep and away from any possibility of being a part of God’s family.
One major reality we have to recognize is that we can’t measure up by ourselves but only through God’s enabling grace. We must practise and master the fine art of depending on God in dealing with the devil, the world system and ourselves.
For like the Prodigal Son, we all can find our way back home. For there is no judgement here, at least not yet. Only Love, expressed in patience and kindness to see us through this valley of death regardless of ourselves.
Don’t give up hope. Accept to go on this adventure with our loving Father. It is going to be wild and fun for us, perhaps with a little pain for our development, but what makes it all worth it is that it would be an adventure full of Him – the Almighty, the only One capable of giving real meaning and fulfillment to our existence here on earth.